I've been feeling really happy lately. This surprises me I guess because I expected medical school to be the most challenging experience that I've been through so far. I feel like I'm finally doing what I want to be doing and somehow despite myself, I've been feeling relaxed!
At Smith I really pressured myself to be the best of the best. After all, if I wasn't then how would I get into med school, let alone an MD/PhD program? When I had the opportunity to join my dream school with an MD/PhD a few months ago, I realized that I wasn't excited by the idea of it anymore. My dreams had changed but what exactly caused the change is still unclear. Part of me thinks who cares what the reason is as long as I'm happy. But another part of me is worried that I'm losing my motivation, the drive that I used to define myself with.
This week I became concerned that these changes may be something more permanent and may affect lifelong decisions so I should probably think about these changes a bit more. In med school we have organizations like in college but they are more specialty-oriented like "future surgeons" or "dermatology interest group." I've been going to almost all of these meetings so far because 1.) I'm not sure what I might be interested in and 2.) there is free food at all of these meetings. The free food is definitely what convinced me to go to the family medicine interest group this week.
Family medicine? Um yeah right. That sounded like such a "cop-out" in terms of medical professions. The common cold? Gosh give me a break. I went to the meeting thinking that I would get some free food and have an hour to check my email. I was really surprised to hear the faculty mentor speaking about how she choose family medicine and what she actually does on a daily basis. From preventing an MI, to a gyno exam, to teaching a family how they can start reading to an infant, her profession sounded so much more rewarding than I imagined it could be. And the variety of cases and teamwork approach to her daily work really interested me. That said, I was surprised to find myself interested in this profession but let myself feel that way.
The next day was a surgery interest group. Surgery is the "gunner" profession of medicine. Known for its ridiculous hours and tremendous pressure, only the most dedicated professionals can make it through the profession. After my experience at the heart hospital in Phoenix, I saw just how hard surgery was but thought that I would be able to manage it. After all, I always thought of myself as a gunner and an athlete... someone who could definitely give surgery a run for its money. When I went to the meeting I was really disturbed by what I heard the surgery residents telling us. Referring to themselves as "angry" and "tired" as well as calling themselves "the ones that everyone else depends on" really bothered me. Besides the blatant cockiness, I was disgusted that the one male resident spoke over and even for the other two female residents during the panel discussion, going as far as describing their research!! Why the female residents thought that this was ok infuriated me and I ended up leaving the meeting early.
What is going on with me? Am I giving up on working hard and being a gunner because I am intimidated by the challenge? Or am I just listening to what I think will make me happy, really happy even if it's not the things that I always imagined it to be?
No comments:
Post a Comment