I hate Northwestern

So there has been quite a bit of drama this past week and I wish that I had started to use this blog to figure things out sooner. Last week I got an email from Northwestern MSTP offering me a spot. Northwestern, the program that was my top choice for such a long time. Northwestern, the school that everyone kept hoping I would get into.

What kind of cruel irony is it that I get into Northwestern now that I am really starting to get used to life at Case (after being here a month already)?! I was really shocked when I first received the email of acceptance; I didn't know what I should. I have to admit that I even considered not telling anyone. I am really happy here and that email threatened everything that I had done so far to assimilate to Case.

So obviously the email brought up a lot more questions. Do I want to do MSTP now that my top program accepted me? Can I picture my life as an MSTP student after living a month as an MD only student? What about all the money that I will get as an MSTP? But will it be worth it? Did I even like Northwestern? Or did I just say it was my top choice because it was in Chicago?

After thinking about this long and hard, the thing that I struggled with the most was the thought of leaving everyone that I've met here and the life that I started to make for myself here. I decided that I wanted to stay at Case. I love the personalized education here at Case: group discussions rather than lectures and an emphasis on life-long learning, not memorization really attracted me to the school in the first place. Plus, I really like the fact that I'm starting to prove that I CAN make it here on my own. It was so exciting to meet new people, be in a brand new place, and prove that I can do it... but I don't think I would want to do it all again to go to Northwestern.

Besides the fact that I'm passing up an opportunity for a "free" MD, my decision had consequences with my relationship with Jarek. He, rightly so, pointed out that if I wanted it to work out between us, I would have chosen to move to Northwestern; but I didn't. Things were so perfect with him before I left for school. I guess I really didn't take into consideration how difficult it would be to maintain a relationship long distance while trying to make a life for myself here in Cleveland. And now that I'm staying here in Cleveland, 4years just seems a little crazy to wait on a relationship. Plus, being around all these older med students made me question my own maturity. Jarek and I had talked (and even planned) on marriage for a long time but now that I'm in med school, I really started to wonder whether I was realistic about it all. I'm 22, he's 28. He's waaay more ready than I am. And as I get ready to start to create my own career, I'm not sure if I want to be limited in my choices. As selfish and awful as that sounds, I want to focus on myself for awhile. I feel like he can make more serious decisions because he already has a career whereas I'm still figuring out who I want to be and what I want to do. The very fact that I was having these thoughts convinced me that I should have "the talk" with Jarek. Once we started talking, I knew that we needed to end it because I had already accepted the idea of it. I feel so awful for hurting him, because he didn't do anything wrong. I feel awful that I ruined the relationship and that I brought about the end through my decision to stay at Case. But somehow, for some reason that I don't really understand, it feels like something that I have to do right now. Maybe in a few months I will end up regretting my decision to pass up a free MD and my decision to end something that once was really special, but I can only make my decision based on what I feel right now. And right now, even if I don't know why, it just doesn't feel right to do MSTP and it doesn't feel right to stay with Jarek.

It's so hard for me to realize that my decision had repercussions on so many different people. Besides absolutely crushing Jarek (I feel like the worst person in the world), my parents took my decision very hard. They just couldn't understand why I would give up on something that I had fought for so long to achieve. But the more that I think about it, the more that I realize that I wasn't really realistic about MSTP. I guess I COULD do it (I'm qualified, after all) but do I WANT to do it?? It's hard for my parents to understand that I would rather start my life off with 1000s of dollars in debt than take this prestigious position. I'm not sure if I even understand why I'm doing this. I'm just doing what feels right right now. Gosh, I sure hope that I'm doing the right thing.