A bit of negativity.

Me: "Mom I think I hate my life."
Mom: "Hunny you can't hate your life. You don't really have one."

After a grueling block 5 of relentless studying, I had 1.5 days off before getting thrown into my next block- the last block before I take the first part of the medical licensing exam. This block has a reputation of being the toughest one in medical school. Fall behind a day and you might as well do the year over, is the rumor. After only one week, I already feel overwhelmed, tired, and grumpy. For the first time really, I'm really starting to worry if I'm smart enough to get through medical school, let alone become a doctor. I'm really starting to doubt myself. Some classmates are managing to learn it all. Meanwhile, I'm so overwhelmed that I feel frozen in place. I study all the time but am worried that I'm not learning it well and convinced that despite my hard work, I'm not learning enough. What if I can't do this? What if I just am not tough enough to get through March?

I'm exhausted. I'm bitter. I'm filled with negativity. I know that I need to suck it up- each week is just going to get tougher. Residency will be tougher than anything I did in medical school. So what am I doing? If it's just going to keep getting harder, how do I know that it will be worth it and that I will be able to manage in the way that I want to? Today in a clinical rotation after class I was talking to an attending about a patient. Attendings are some of the most experienced physicians that can juggle it all effortlessly; despite this I looked into this physician's eyes and saw an exhaustion that I haven't even seen the likes of yet. If getting worse is almost a certainty, then how can I be motivated to get to what lies ahead?