Step 1- done (kind of)

So I’ve survived- kind of. Five weeks of studying about 15 hours/day, without any days off plus all the studying for boards that I did when classes were still in session. It was really the last few weeks of studying that proved to me just how similar finishing my study plan and taking Step1 was to the race I ran back in September. In my race, the first few miles were a breeze. My last three miles were awful. I wanted to stop. In fact, I considered stopping the entire last three miles. Somehow, I was able to find the strength to get to that finish line. And somehow, after all that studying and after the countless times that I was convinced I would never be able to learn it all, somehow I woke up and it was test day and I knew that I had done the very best that I could have.

I haven’t received my score back yet even though many of my friends who took the exam earlier did (and did beyond amazing!). Since I don’t know how I did yet, I can’t really say if it was a “success” – however I end up defining what “success” really means on an exam like that. All I know is that I really gave it my all. I started early. I worked hard. I didn’t give up. I had more support and encouragement than I knew what to do with. What happened on test day is no longer in my hands. How I did compared to all the other medical students across the nation is something I can’t control. I just hope that regardless of how my score turns out, I can remember that I really did my best. It would be pretty awesome to get a great score though. :)

After the exam, I felt defeated. Many others (including David who rocked the exam) felt the same way. Very few people leave this test feeling great. I’ve just never left a test having absolutely no idea on how I did. It’s not a good feeling. I definitely didn’t feel like celebrating afterwards.

This silly test has been the culmination of 2 years of medical school. So much unneeded pressure has been put on this one exam. And you don’t really get a release from that pressure until you find out your score. There was a chance that I would find out my score today- I didn’t. A lot of friends that I ran into today, however, did. ALL of them did amazing. I’m so proud of them for doing so well but I’m so jealous of that feeling of release (and their awesome scores). I guess I have no choice right now, I just have to keep waiting until I find out my score, too.

Holding my breath in case it brings me good luck…